#003: The Fear

For the first time in what seems like an eternity, I've committed to a race that truly intimidates me.

And this isn’t just the usual pre-race nerves or a fleeting moment of self-doubt—it’s a deeper, more unsettling fear that lurks in the shadows of my mind, nudging me with a whisper: 

“What if you can’t do this?” 

So…

In an effort to quiet my spiralling thoughts, I’m going to work though them here with a pen and paper (you’re obviously reading the digital upload, but I really do write out each of these posts word for word.)

Now I’ve tackled plenty of races before - some of them challenging, all of them exhausting - but none have ever made me feel quite like this.

This one feels different.

This one is different.

The distance is longer than anything I’ver ever attempted, the terrain more demanding, the unknowns more daunting. 

There are moments when I catch myself questioning whether I’ve have bitten off more than I can chew. Yet here I am, willingly stepping into the furnace of adversity, embracing the the coming discomfort. Signing up not just for a race, but for everything that comes with it.

The grind.

The self doubt. 

The moments where quitting feels like the easier option. 

So why do it?.. Why willingly dive into something that scares me? 

I’ve thought about this a lot since signing up and the simplest answer I’ve come to accept is this…

Growth never happens within confines of your comfort zone.

Fear is a funny thing.

It’s easy to dodge it, to sidestep the things that intimidate or unsettle us. But if there’s one lesson my recent experiences have reinforced, it’s that fear often points us towards the very places where our greatest growth awaits.

This race isn’t just about physical endurance, it’s about mental toughness, emotional resilience and comforting the narratives we tell ourselves about our limitations. 

I’m re-reading Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations this month, and I’m reminded of this particular quote.

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at ay moment.”

Put another way, our fears are created by our own interpretations, not by reality itself. 

Over the coming months, I know there will be days when training feels impossible, when every step feels heavier than the last, the burden of doubt heavier again. There will be long runs where doubt will creep in whispering, 

“Maybe this race is beyond you.”

But I also know that each of these moments is an opportunity - a chance revoke and rewrite the narrative, to prove to myself that I am capable of much more than I believe.

This journey isn’t about crossing the finish line (though, to be clear, that is certainly the intention.) It’s about everything I’ll discover along the way;

The strength I didn’t realise I had within me. 

The discipline I will build. 

The community I’ll lean on when it all feels overwhelming.  

I have no way of knowing how all of this will unfold. I don’t know if everything will go according to plan (in fact, I’m almost certain they won’t.) But I do believe that fear is often a sign that we’re on the edge of something extraordinary. 

This race terrifies me, but I’m running it to claim the qualities that wait beyond it. 

Perhaps you’ve felt that fear too… Whether in running, work, relationships or just life in general. 

Maybe you’re standing on the edge of something big, wondering if you’re really capable of taking the leap. 

If that’s you, then I hope you’ll join me on your version of my journey. 

Let’s step towards the fear, embrace the uncertainty and discover what’s waiting for us on the other side…